◎(∩ᴥ∩)◎
    (U    )つ╭
. ݁ ₊ O  O～╯. ݁₊ ⊹.。

這個月是我的！Birthday Month！。我才剛從日本回來台灣。我是去陪媽媽爬山，specifically, we completed the Kumano Kodō pilgrimage, across the Kii Peninsula. 說實話，整個「trip 旅程 lǚchéng」我感覺蠻尷尬的。我會有這種感覺是因為那些老灰仔 (ló-hui-á) 好吵........哪裡都要照相，日本人好像都很 demure and respectful of their presence in public spaces！ 但除了這一點，我是很開心可以陪媽媽。她常常跟我說有我陪伴減少要快爬的壓力。Whenever I travel to an unfamiliar place, there is always a moment when I suddenly realize how far away I am. It comes over me like a wave. I distinctly remember it as the same feeling I would feel as a child when I missed my mommy. It usually happened towards the end of the school day, especially if I had extra after-school swim lessons.

昨天去台中住了一個晚上。我們是帶恩菲去遊樂園還有水族館玩。恩恩說我是她的 ”new best friend” 讓我好開心。菲菲好想也有 warm up to me. 她們都很喜歡我的擦啡色的Snoopy. 我發現你只要回應他們，他們就會跟你多說話，想要來跟你玩。最近感覺比較抑鬱。以前...只要是回家太久就會這樣，忘了我自己。 希望我能夠 spring forth into the world and rush towards a future that has not already been carved out for me, as Simone de Beauvoir describes.

今天傍晚我去台北找朋友玩。One of them was my new, but dear friend who I have mentioned before who I have tacit understanding with. 另一個是我第一次見面的人，一個美國人。 好久沒有見到一個跟我完全沒有默契的人...what a disappointing night. Should I even leave the house tomorrow to go and see another person off a dating app (cursed way of inviting people into my life)？

今天和媽媽去書法課。Messed around on Bumble and finally understood what Chia meant when they said they have less pull here. 傍晚去外婆家附近散步，這一次又沒有看到小貓咪。 我有點為他擔心。在公園裡和哥哥聊天。我跟他分享 negotiating with mom about getting a cat 的事情。他說：你今年不是很 “sad“ 嗎？I was quite shook that he would reduce my year down to this pathetic word. After my friend literally killed themself.

Anyways, 我還是很開心他跟我分享了一些他的生活裡面的事情。For example, that he was not ready to have kids. It seems like a cliché, but I think he really meant it and it makes me feel proud of him to see him be such a great dad to the twins. He’s empathetic, patient, caring, doting and also a joker. 在路上遇到小舅舅，舅媽，還有 Andy 哥哥。 Andy and I both have a friend who commit suicide this year, but it goes unacknowledged beyond silent likes on Instagram. His is a friend from when he served in the Taiwanese army. I hope we can talk someday, maybe I will try to at New Years. Uncle joked about how 他們在“遛”小舅媽，不然她就不運動。Later, I wished that I had said: 我今年也是都不運動。都是媽媽遛我的。 現在習慣了，覺得運動對聖體很舒服，感覺沒那麼熱，心情也比較好。我很感謝我媽媽把我拉出去散步，現在還變成我偶爾邀請媽媽去散步。Don’t worry, I texted this to her along with a short life update since she asked me what I was up to with work while we were at grandma’s house.

今天傍晚我開車載了Sandy去機場。在塞車黑暗的時候，我有點怕，但我都沒事做到了。I’m very proud of myself. Something else that made me proud is that Jasmine Lined me again 說她想念給我tasks。 So this is what it’s like to be on the other end of yearning-for-a-stranger LOL (╯﹏╰）

昨天晚上喝了太多酒，完全ㄎㄧㄤ掉了。很想念Tilden and cried about him for the first time in a long time. By a long time, I mean two snail weeks. I’m lucky and blessed to live an easy, meandering life, just how I like. 今天天氣很棒，陪媽媽一起散步，寫書法，去看中醫。 我今天早上決定了：我要搬回來台灣，不再回美國了。其實美國一直都很亂。I’m referring to its socio-political state. A nation founded on death and destruction。我為我的美國朋友心痛。

我發現前幾天..我在設計我的網站時進入了 心流狀態。看看我能爆此多久。我還不知道我的生活到底要往哪一個方向走。我認識兩個妄想過的人。一個需要3個月康復，一個需要3年。需要3年的是因為他第一次妄想後，過了幾個月又復發了。第二次還更復炸。看看醫生有什麼意見，我再來決定要回美國還是搬回來台灣。

結果我不需要單行Jasmine的這件事情。我們不「compatible 合拍 hépāi」的/我們的興趣並不一致。他只喜歡MFF，我是拉拉。這是好事。她是「aggressive 挑釁的 tiǎoxìn de」，我有點嚇到。剛剛好配合我的subsiding wave of hypomania。 I sensed that messaging with her was risky sexual behavior on my part due to being “bipolar”. Lately everyone is advising me against using clinical labels, but I find it genuinely can be helpful to identify psychological conditions that give rise to certain habits and tendencies. Whether or not I choose to describe my life experiences as “hibernation”/“depression” or “zoomies”/“mania”, it’s all the same. The important thing is to receive input from a medical professional before you get yourself into a death spiral. I believe that I probably experienced weed-withdrawal+mania—induced psychosis. It’s important to remain in a state of awareness of my tendencies, while not letting labels restrict me or encourage me to think of myself as a “sick/crazy person” as an excuse for my behaviors. My actions that affect myself and others around me are entirely my own.

今天天氣相對來說比前兩個禮拜涼，對於讀書好風氣。昨天跟 Chia 聊得開開心心的。我們很有默契...發現他講中文時候突然有很多話說！我們聊到我門的妄想，交往史，家庭。

好像有「hypomanic 輕躁狂 Qīng zào kuáng」了。越來越容易感覺到了。希望我可以認真的跟自己確認一下。我知道我可以的因為我今年發現我有「Autism 自閉症 zì bì zhèng」 的時候有開始精良問我自己“好不好嗎？不好的話，那你數要什麼呢？”，感覺到跟人互動真的變得比較輕鬆。現在在問我自己“我應不應該跟 Jasmine 拘束聯絡？” Jasmine 是一個在 Feeld 上遇到的女生。她是一個很「forward 主動 zhǔdòng」的一個 Romanian domme。但是她非常的甜而且尊重我的「boundaries 界限 jièxiàn」⁄(⁄ ⁄ ⁄ω⁄ ⁄ ⁄)⁄

今天早上我和媽媽去「boxing 拳擊 quánjí」課程。發現我的體力沒有像我以前的厲害，有點失望。看這自己在鏡子立感覺動作很慢。我的下半身特別弱( ̀⌄ ́)

我最近和容思情聊得很開行。 我對她的感情很好；有點太好了...我還跟他聊了才三天而已，就跟他告白了 LOL。沒事，we're good friends now. 她知道我是應為今年很心痛因為我的好朋友/「lover 愛人」過世。 她還提醒我最主要的是「focus on myself and healing 專注於自我療癒 zhuānzhù yú zìwǒ liáo yù」讓我還更喜歡她的(~_~;) 我們現在是好朋友。她都會叫我"小🐒" O(∩_∩)O

還有什麼事呢。。。我最近情緒好多了因為我有乖乖地吃我的藥。而且我的「routine is consistent 作息時間規律了 zuòxí shíjiān guīlǜ le」。 最近我的時間規律包括運動，散步，學中文，學毛筆，通過TEFL學怎麼教英文，「crochet 鉤針編織/鉤邊 gōuzhēn biānzhī / gōu biān」，聽音樂，讀書，吃媽媽的健康飯。

我現在在讀邱妙津（Qiu MiaoJin）的書：鱷魚手記（Notes of a Crocodile）。Emmeline 說我寫的作文跟他很像。但或許更準確的說法是，我寫的像他的「translator 翻譯者 fānyì zhě」 Bonnie Huie， 因為我的作文是用英文寫的。明天要去台北找 Chia 玩，好期待！他也很喜歡這本書。